Can you just stop living?

Today I received the news that Uncle Karl passed away last night.
He was 93 years old, lived in a nursing home, and was very comfortable there. The last few days had become difficult for him, and he had to be taken to the hospital twice. Back at the nursing home, he told his son-in-law to leave him alone—he didn’t want to go on anymore. That evening, he went to bed and fell asleep peacefully.

A few months ago, we went through the same thing with his brother. He wasn’t feeling well, stopped going out, and barely spoke anymore. He didn’t want to go on. He, too, passed away peacefully in his sleep that night.

Neither brother was seriously ill; life had simply become too difficult for them.

I find that a little unsettling.

My question for you: Can you just die “on command” like that ?

Love, Marlies

Dear Marlies,

yes, that’s exactly how I’d like it to be when my time comes—to be able to pass away peacefully without suffering. We can be happy for these people, because they were spared a great deal of suffering, especially since they also reached a ripe old age.

I’ve heard about this quite often. And I think it used to be quite normal. Maybe we’re too used to the idea that someone has to be sick before they die? Just like with your uncles, death would be something no one needs to be afraid of.

That seems to really work for some people, and I find it rather reassuring—I even see it as a possibility for myself one day.
It was different with my mother-in-law; she was already in a coma at the hospice, but she didn’t die. We were told that she simply didn’t want to let go—that happens, too (and it definitely fit her).

I think both of them actually sensed when their time had come, Marlies.

Hi Marlies,
my condolences—I’m so sorry about your uncle. But he did reach a very ripe old age.

I’m familiar with this phenomenon; it does happen. It was exactly the same with my grandma. She was almost 91.
My grandma was never sick, walked without a cane right up until the end, could still think clearly, and yet my dad had visited her the day before. “She was completely calm,” he said, and he’d even tied her shoes for her, and then she passed away that night. Her heart just stopped beating.
For the person experiencing it, it’s a peaceful death without suffering.

My grandmother was our gem—so loving, and she never complained.
I miss her because I was far away in Norway and couldn’t be there.
Now that I’m finally back in Germany, I was able to say goodbye to her at the cemetery (on the Gründen Wiese).

Warm regards

Thanks for your thoughts.

Thanks, Andrea. Yes, a grandma is something special. My grandparents also had a “beautiful” death. Grandpa went out one evening to check on the chickens and ducks. He collapsed outside in his garden—the doctor called it sudden death . Unfortunately, they still tried to resuscitate him, but luckily he didn’t feel a thing.
My aunt used to go check on Grandma every morning. One morning, she found Grandma sitting at the kitchen table with her plate of milk soup from the night before in front of her.

That’s certainly how one would want to go, and I’m glad that both of my uncles passed away so peacefully and didn’t have to suffer. Right now, though, I can’t imagine ever saying, “Okay, I’ve had enough—I’m going to die.” Maybe that’s because of my past with that brutal abuser and rapist. There were moments when I would have preferred to be dead...

Best wishes, Marlies

I once heard about Native Americans who would retreat to die.
I do believe you can sense it when the end is near—if you’re very sensitive...

Getting old isn’t for the faint of heart, and I think that at some point you get so exhausted that you actually look forward to death. Especially when, as an elderly person, you no longer have any friends—maybe because they’ve already passed away, or because every movement hurts and there are so many things you just can’t do anymore...