Fear—A New Feeling for Me

I don’t even know if anyone here is interested in this. But something happened to me today that I never would have thought possible.

Every other week I play cards—and have been doing so for over 30 years. We play at the clubhouse of the sports club, which isn’t far from my house. I walk along a path past a school (that had been closed down) where asylum seekers are currently being temporarily housed. There are families there—women, children, and men—and it’s NEVER been an issue. The local residents have gotten involved, donated, and tried to make a difference.

NOW, there’s a building on the same street that’s been renovated, and it’s housing men (of whatever origin).

SO, to get back to the beginning: I have to walk past that building. Four men were sitting and standing there; they saw me coming and suddenly started talking very loudly in Arabic and laughing. They kept doing that, pointing at me, until I had walked past them. Of course, this was my subjective perception, BUT: I WAS VERY SCARED.

My husband always says I’m a “do-gooder,” whatever that means. I don’t want to be afraid.
What else can you do in a situation like that?

@ursulapetra
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you won’t have to go through something like that again.
You could perhaps try this:
Self-assertion and self-defense are, unfortunately, always important topics
especially for women. Tips that are often given in this context include, for example:
- Walk upright; don’t cower
- Don’t lower your gaze; instead, try to appear as confident as possible—that can intimidate people if necessary.
- Look them straight in the eye—then they’ll know you’re not to be messed with.
- Try to maintain a certain amount of bodily tension; that’s important for projecting confidence
- Try to stay calm and appear as calm as possible.
- Always address people politely/formally; that can help keep them at a distance if necessary.
- If you don’t want something, react immediately; don’t put up with anything you don’t want
- If you say “no” to something, say it as loudly and clearly as possible—and if necessary, get really loud
- If you need to ask someone for help, address one specific person directly; otherwise, no one may feel responsible, but if you single out one person, they’ll have to step in.
- If nothing else works and you urgently need help, you can also shout “Fire!”—people usually react very quickly to that, and that can give you enough time to get away. I’m not exactly sure what the legal situation is regarding pepper spray or stun guns, but there are devices that emit an extremely loud sound—if you keep one in your purse and press the right button when needed, you can scare people away. You could perhaps hold it in your hand so you can press it right away.

The police and various advice centers regularly provide tips on these topics, including in leaflets and similar materials. Don’t let it get you down.

Honestly, Josefa, I get scared and anxious when I read your advice on how to behave. Sure, acting confident helps—but more so when dealing with individuals. I hardly think that can counteract group dynamics in a dangerous situation.

Is there anyone, Petra, who can walk you home? If not, maybe having someone on the phone with you would help so you don’t feel alone.

Otherwise, all I can say is: I’d probably try to make contact during daylight hours—perhaps with a supervisor from that group or someone who can help overcome the language barrier. A meeting like that might help ease the tension in future encounters for you.

In this case (at the Sobernheim food bank), reaching out for a conversation ultimately helped make the interactions between the young men from Syria and the German women—who don’t behave as submissively as the young men are used to back home—significantly more relaxed.

I gathered these tips from police information websites, among other sources.

Good morning, everyone,

I don’t think that was meant in a bad way at all, Josefa. What you’re writing is obviously what’s recommended in situations like this.
But on the other hand, it’s also true that it wouldn’t really help much. The men didn’t actually do anything that was against the law. Strictly speaking, they didn’t even do anything that would be an obvious threat. 
They did behave in a way that we find inappropriate—pointing a finger at someone, talking about her in a language Petra doesn’t understand, and apparently doing so in a provocatively loud manner—but none of that is illegal or dangerous!
I think it’s more likely that it’s all the news stories that scare even people like Petra, who are open-minded and unbiased. And I understand Petra!
I also think it would be best if you could walk this path with someone by your side.
Yes, people always say you shouldn’t show fear and shouldn’t let yourself be held back, but whether to expose yourself to situations like this is something everyone has to decide for themselves. And I don’t think I’d want to put myself through that feeling again.
In any case, I’m thinking of you, Petra, and hope you can get over this quickly. 

Dear ursulapetra,

I’m sending you a big hug and wish with all my heart that you never have to feel that way again. Yes, the men didn’t do anything illegal—there are plenty of groups of men who do the same thing in German, too—but you still feel completely at their mercy. It’s just a lot easier when you understand what’s being said.
I took karate as a teenager. Not for long, and not enough to really defend myself. BUT the first thing you learn there (even before you learn how to tie the knot) is that you should always avoid a fight. And you do that by carrying yourself with confidence.
Even if you feel absolutely miserable there. Keep your chin up and just walk past them. Imagine they’re construction workers whistling at you.

And the tip about walking home together or getting picked up is really good. “Together we’re strong” is the right motto here.

All the best again,
Dagmar

@Ursulapetra
I can well imagine that this situation must have been extremely frightening for you.
Four men of Mediterranean or Arab appearance speaking a foreign language we don’t understand—which often sounds threatening just because of its guttural sounds—and then pointing at you—that’s bound to make anyone afraid.
But: you don’t know if these men were really up to something threatening.
They could just as easily have been talking about clothes, hairstyles, or recipes. Even if it sounds like dogs barking to us.
What I’m trying to say is: the situation was scary for you, but that might not have been the men’s intention at all. They might have just been having a harmless conversation.
Maybe someone can accompany you in the future so that 1. you don’t have to be afraid anymore, and 2. you might even be able to talk to the men to find out exactly what they wanted. If they don’t speak German, maybe you can communicate in English or with gestures...
Big hug!
Michaela

@Ursulapetra
I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you too, so that you won’t have to face situations like that anymore.

I also recently had a conversation with our mayor about this topic. She’s responsible for supporting the asylum seekers in our village. She told me—something that hadn’t previously not been entirely
clear to me—that the asylum seekers also have their own difficulties with our culture.
Sometimes they don’t really know how to interact with us as women. They’re not used to it, and that makes them feel insecure. By looking away, laughing, etc., they often show that they’re overwhelmed by the situation because they don’t know how to behave. For example, in these cultures, it’s often forbidden to look a woman in the eye. It’s considered improper.

Often, a friendly greeting is enough to break the ice.
There is certainly still a lot of conversation needed.
With our asylum seekers—unfortunately, we also have mostly young men—it works quite well.

The asylum seekers definitely have a big problem with our culture. In our society, women are equal to men (by law); we can dress however we want, speak however we want, do whatever we want—we can go to work, drive a car, live on our own, whatever.
Their cultural backgrounds are a bit different in that respect. That might make them feel insecure, and perhaps that’s exactly why they reacted the way they did when Ursulapetra passed by.

There are also many asylum seekers and immigrants here, but I haven’t had a single problem with any of them. On the contrary, I’ve found many of them to be very helpful and polite.
I’m actually much more afraid when I’m out walking my dog in the evening and a group of young German men comes toward me....

Dear Ursulapetra, I can understand your fear very well. I recently experienced a similar situation on our regional train, though with a group of drunk young German soccer fans hurling the worst insults—and I understood that language very well. As a result, I’m currently choosing to avoid taking the train in the evenings. Another thing I’m trying to avoid right now is going for a jog alone on my favorite route. Sure, you could bring someone along. But that’s exactly the point: at that moment, you can no longer move around as freely as you used to. I also don’t want to have to “arm” myself with pepper spray or something similar just to feel reasonably safe. It’s sad that we have to worry about something like this at all—but I suppose that’s just the way our world is. A wise man once told me: “The opposite of fear is love!” With that in mind, I’d like to wish all of us that, despite everything, we keep a loving heart, that we do what fills us with love (and that definitely includes knitting, crocheting, sewing… simply everything that brings us joy and with which we bring joy to others…), and that we don’t let fear rule us.
Warm regards, Annette

Thank you all for your supportive words. I had already written that I probably perceived it very subjectively. My imagination probably plays a big role in this, and I really don’t like that kind of thing. I’ll have to think about what I can do.
Have a wonderful weekend, everyone.

That’s the problem. A lot of it is actually media-driven. Fear is being deliberately stoked. For many people who are generally against migrants, the incident on New Year’s Eve was fuel to the fire.
You read so much on social media, and supposedly it’s “always” the migrants and the refugees.

Of course, it’s unsettling for us when we come across a group of young men who look foreign. Their appearance is unfamiliar to us, their language is foreign, and so is their body language.
With German men, we at least know what they’re saying and can react accordingly if necessary—at least in the best-case scenario.
We can’t do that with foreigners whose language we don’t understand. Perceiving this as threatening is a completely natural reaction. We can’t make sense of it, so our bodies automatically prepare for danger and flight. Our pulse and heart rate rise, we may start to sweat, and our bodies signal fear to us.
And then, as already mentioned, the fear stoked by the media comes into play...

I once paid close attention to how Arab women converse. It really sounds like dogs barking and growling. At least to my ears. I then imagined them talking about knitting patterns or recipes and had to smile.
I could also imagine that our language might sound very harsh and commanding to their ears, and that they might feel the same way toward us...

Such a serious and unpleasant topic, but I couldn’t help but smile at the last part of Michaela’s post.
I’m originally from the Ruhr region and now live in the Swabian Alb. And what Michaela wrote applies exactly even to the different dialects.
  As soon as I slip into my hometown dialect, many people here literally flinch and often look almost startled, even though I might simply have found something so great and brilliant that my native way of speaking accidentally slipped out while I was expressing my enthusiasm.
That would often be something to laugh about, but every time it makes both sides feel uncomfortable. 

Hello Ursulapetra, 
I often work a bit later and also have to pass some darker corners to get home. What always helps me is talking on the phone:
1. I have company, so I don’t imagine dangers.
2. I imagine that it deters other people. 
And 3. If something actually were to happen, the person on the phone could call for help. 

When I come home really late and don’t have anyone to call, I pretend. Then, of course, 3. no longer applies, but I feel better. :-)
Best regards 
Sandra 

I’ve noticed that with languages too. I know a lot of Greeks. When they talk in their native language, you always think they’re having a big argument. But that’s not the case.
Different people—different customs; that’s just how it is.

I work at Rewe in the evenings on a €450 mini-job basis, which means I leave the store about twice a week shortly after 10 p.m. About a month ago, I was hit on by two German men for a good 15–20 minutes. And to top it all off: When we finished work, those guys were still standing in a dark corner that I always have to pass on my way home. While my coworker was locking the door, they kept looking toward the door around the corner. Of course, they could also just ignore me, wish me a nice end to the workday, or something like that. But you never know. Luckily, a female coworker took me home. But those guys keep coming back to the store; they haven’t hit on me again so far, though—maybe because there’s always been a male coworker nearby.

The other day they were standing outside again, but a coworker walked part of the way home with me; who knows what would happen if he weren’t there.

Dear Petra, it’s only natural to be afraid sometimes. You couldn’t assess the situation, and you got scared. Of course, your imagination plays a role in that too, but we women just have to be more careful—that’s just the way it is (there are people in our little town whom I’d rather avoid when I see them, too. I’d rather stay in a store a little longer or take a detour so I don’t run into them—it’s not pleasant, but it’s safer). Fear can actually be useful, too. Maybe you’ll think about what you’ll do differently next time. Then the fear served a purpose. Fear doesn’t feel good, but you can’t always avoid it.

There are also people in our small town whom I prefer to avoid when I see them. I’d rather stay in a store a little longer or take a detour so I don’t run into them directly. It just doesn’t feel right to get too close to them, and I respect that feeling. It’s not pleasant, but it’s definitely safer.

In light of the terrible news from Munich yesterday, I have to admit that I was also afraid during my evening walk with the dog. It’s pretty unlikely that something would happen right then, since there are far too few people out and about in the evenings where I live, but I still felt uneasy...
But theoretically, something like a killing spree or an attack could happen anywhere.
Yesterday, I was out shopping in Braunschweig with my mom, completely carefree. There were lots of people everywhere, enjoying the summer warmth. And when the news broke on TV, I felt very uneasy. Because that could just as easily have happened in Braunschweig or any other city.
And yes… that’s when I really got scared…

I worry more about my children when it comes to attacks like the one in Munich. They’re much more likely to be in crowded places that are the scene of such crimes. It’s not a fear you really want to have. The energy that fear consumes could be used to do so much good.....

But the new media also play such a big role in fueling this fear. If you turn on the radio or TV, you’re constantly bombarded with negative news.
Then, when I looked today at what happened in Munich: The shooting spree took place in a shopping center, and there were so many incidents of panic—probably caused by false information circulating online—in many different places. Everyone always feels they have to post something, share photos, preferably taken up close.
I don’t have children myself, but something isn’t right with the times we live in. Life could be so beautiful.
So, I think going back to our roots a little can’t hurt. Appreciating simple things again, talking to each other more, and giving up this terrible obsession with always wanting more and more. Creating opportunities for young people !!! Otherwise, nothing will come of it....

Ursulapetra, you’ve taken the words right out of my mouth!