Driving in Old Age

Hi everyone,
I don’t know if any of you have a similar problem.
My husband is undergoing pain therapy and is taking very, very strong pain medication. When I picked up the prescription from the pharmacy for the first time, the pharmacist told me that he shouldn’t drive while taking it.
Now the dosage of the pills is even higher, and legally speaking, he’s no longer allowed to drive at all. I’m trying as gently and gradually as possible to convince him through conversation to give up driving on his own. But it’s not working. Somehow, for a man, a car is just part of life.
I’m pretty desperate, because if something happens, it’ll affect other, innocent people.
What should I do????

Hi Ursula.

I work in home health care and know exactly what you mean. Men, in particular, don’t want to admit it to themselves.
  Normally, the doctor should have—or would have had to—talk to your husband about this.
Try appealing to his conscience. I’d suggest giving him an example: He’s driving, you’re sitting next to him—an accident happens (it’s his fault, plus the pills). Others and you are seriously injured, or worse. Just ask him if he could live with that.

I think the doctor has pointed this out to him, but for
my husband, it’s more like a general suggestion—nothing specific. Like, “Don’t overexert yourself,” “Don’t go out in the sun.” But he’s taking strong opioids. 

This isn’t just a matter of conscience—it’s actually a legal issue, and he’d also lose his insurance coverage in the event of an accident. Coaxing won’t help—it rarely works with men anyway—only plain, straightforward talk will do.
But I’ve found that sometimes it’s better when someone else puts their foot down; a wife doesn’t always succeed in convincing her husband, who used to be such a skilled driver.

Yes, Veronika, my husband has always considered himself the better driver.
I’ll have to see if I can get some friends to help change his mind. 

Petra, when my father developed Alzheimer’s and it became clear that he could no longer drive and wouldn’t listen to reason, my youngest son disabled his car. He’s a car mechanic by trade and told my father he’d take a look at it as soon as he had time—which, of course, was never the case—and that’s how we solved the problem. But my father’s disease also progressed very rapidly; within four years, he no longer recognized anyone in the family.

Best regards, Inge

There is one option. I asked the driver licensing authority about this because we had a similar case.
His doctor can order an assessment of his fitness to drive. If the medication is indeed causing his reaction time to be impaired, it will be officially documented, and hopefully he’ll listen to that. Doctors are actually encouraged to do this if a patient no longer appears fit to drive, but they don’t like to do it because they might lose their patient’s trust. But it’s better if he’s mad at the doctor than at you. 

Dear Ursula,

I see this—among other things—from a mother’s perspective:
Take his car keys away!
No matter how upset he might get about it!
He’s not only endangering himself, but also many other people, especially children!
And in most cases, the driver comes out of such accidents with the least harm, but often others are left dead or severely injured for the rest of their lives.
And if anything, you’re partly to blame—perhaps “only” emotionally—because you know he’s unfit to drive.

And then you should take Rubator’s advice and—if necessary, via your family doctor—
have the driver’s fitness to drive checked by the DMV.

Yes, this is all very unpleasant and will lead to arguments and trouble. But it’s a million times better than if something actually were to happen.

Hugs!

Dear Ursula, 
this is truly a sensitive issue. 
Perhaps it would help your husband if you told him that it’s not his competence as a driver that’s being questioned, but rather that his medication makes driving impossible and far too dangerous. 
Why don’t you ask him what advice he would give to someone else in his situation.... 
I can understand very well that he probably sees this as a major restriction on his range of action, his autonomy, and his “freedom.” But the alternative would be to stop taking his medication. 
I hope you find a good solution. 
Best regards 
Karola 

Hi Petra,
I just caught up on this thread and can understand all the opinions.

A big compliment to you! You’ve handled this brilliantly with a lot of tact! For now, the issue doesn’t seem so insurmountable anymore, and I suspect your husband will soon agree to buy a suitable car.

Warm regards and all the best to both of you!
Brigitte

Dear Petra and fellow readers,

I think it’s great that we can discuss such personal topics in our forum too. After all, you don’t always have to solve every problem on your own. Often, it already helps to talk about the problem with people outside the situation. Sometimes you feel helpless and have tried everything. That’s when you need support from outside. The arguments from the women who wrote here gave you the backing you needed for the crucial conversation with your husband. And it was probably the right moment for that conversation.

The first step has been taken—you’ll manage the rest, just as you have managed so many other things in your life.

Best wishes, and Ina wishes you a wonderful third Sunday of Advent

Dear Petra, you’ve handled this wonderfully and preserved your husband’s dignity—which not only helps him but is also good for you as a couple, because it means you’re communicating as equals and neither of you has the power to take something away from the other that’s important to them. Great job.
And your answer has helped me, too, because we’re in the same situation: I drive a small, 14-year-old Polo, and my husband drives a powerful, huge SUV that I no longer dare to get behind the wheel of. Our friends shake their heads at me, so I was so happy to read that it’s the same for you! Hugs and get well soon to your husband, Andrea